I haven't posted in a couple weeks, life has been crazy between two jobs, spearheading two fundraising events, school, and trying to get some health issues under wraps has made for a crazy, stressful couple of weeks. One thing I think the heavens have been trying to teach me the past couple weeks is... time management. Sometimes I can get wrapped up in one thing that everything else that needed to be done flies out the window, currently that one thing is work. In the last two weeks between both of my jobs I have worked 120+ hours!! It is the busiest time of the season at Miracles right now and until I changed my availability this last week I was working average 6 out of 7 days a week. I love working, I love feeling accomplished, and I love being successful. With all of the progress I have made within myself this last year let alone the last 4 months I have seen a huge change in myself, not just physically and emotionally but mentally. My entire attitude and outlook on life has shifted in a way I could never have expected, and I have begun to witness the first concrete steps I have taken in overcoming and facing a fear that shaped the person I used to be.
My biggest fear is the fear of Failure. I have always feared that I am not quite good enough and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try I will inevitably fail. As a child I would get a 90+ on a spelling test but my father knew I could get a 100 he would make me write the words I missed till I knew them backwards and forwards, the focus of my life was always on how much better I can be not on how good I always was. I created this unrealistic idea that in everything I did it had to be perfect and anything less than perfection was not good enough. Can you imagine the pressure I felt for the constant need to be perfect, especially since perfection is often times unattainable? As a child I enjoyed the challenge, I enjoyed the success, I liked being pushed but as I got older this need for perfection began to sink deeper and the disappointment from not achieving it hurting more and more. As humans we are not meant to be perfect, we will fall, we will fail at times, the point is to not stay in a state of failure, to always try and keep trying, to learn, grow, and come back stronger than ever before. As I got older I became disappointed, angry, I set unrealistic expectations for myself and others, and eventually I began to stop trying in the first place because I already anticipated failure. I went to counseling after my first year of college where I finally discovered this fear, I discovered what paralyzed me completely, but for years I never even began to overcome it, until now! My last 4 years of college were rough to say the least and I almost dropped out of college a few times only because of fear and the notion that I would never be good enough so what was the point in trying. I finally decided to come home, I had not finished school, but I didn't feel I would be able to finish it even if I had stayed, and that single decision has saved my life.
In January of this year I began to see a counselor from my church. I was reluctant at first, I had been home for about a year at this point and was doing much better, I didn't want to go talk about all my issues and feel worse about myself when I had worked so hard to be in such a better place. I also didn't want to hash out issues from the past, I created this blog with the soul purpose of the focus of the present and future, shaping and forming myself not from my past but from my true desires of who I really wish to be. I decided to give it a shot and it was one of the best decisions I could have ever made. I have grown leaps and bounds since I started seeing her. We do talk about my past but we never dwell or focus on the past, it is only to learn, to make myself better now, to break old habits, change a way of thinking, or alter relationships for the better. The best part is every time I see her I may walk in at times with a negative cloud hovering over my head but I never leave with one! I have become empowered, confident, and content with the person I am and the person I am becoming daily.
We never addressed this fear, I never told her I had it, and yet I have seen in myself what Four saw in Tris in Divergent, and yes I am going to be cheesy and quote Divergent once again...
When I first read that line I thought to myself ...Well that's not me, not even close and that was just a month ago! Fear has always paralyzed me. There were times I couldn't even make myself get out of bed because of fear. I have felt my entire life, I have always been a coward to my fears, at times they have broke me down completely and in every way, but finally I feel like I can relate to this simple line. With working 120+ hours a week, planning two fundraisers, trying to complete school, lose weight, and be healthy in the midst of all of that, there is more pressure than I think I have ever had. Pressure from employers, coworkers, parents, family, friends, and myself to meet expectations, time constraints, and to succeed. This kind of pressure even a year ago would have paralyzed me, I would of confined myself to my bed, room and house, refrained from people interaction, quit or been fired from one job or another, and ultimately driven myself to failure. Not anymore!! The idea of perfection or the lack of it is no longer daunting. I have become truly satisfied with where I am at in life but always seeing ways I can be better, not in a negative context I grew to see it as but now enthused by a challenge, the satisfaction of seeing progress, success in even the littlest amount of forward progression. I see ways to be better, not all the ways I am lacking. The pressure still gets to me at times, it causes stress and I have learned I do need time to myself to breath, relax, and refocus, but the pressure, the expectations, my fear of failure no longer shuts me down but wakes me up! I don't know if I have necessarily overcome by fear. I know I am not fearless, but I do know I have learned to act in spite of my fear. I use the fear to fuel me to succeed personally and professionally.
Sometimes it is not always failure that frightens us but what we are capable of. Not only did my fear of failure haunt me but my fear of success. I had already felt failure it was familiar to me and when fear gets the best of us we cower to what is familiar and comfortable. I knew what to expect, if I pushed to overcome that failure I would then have to face the fear of success. Sometimes we feel like the higher we climb, the farther and harder the fall, forward progression is often a world unknown till we finally get there and that takes courage to strive for. Not only did I let my fear of failure get the best of me but I used to let my fear of success stop me as well. I think in my first 23 years of life I never pushed myself even in things I was passionate about to see how amazing I could truly be. I see now that these fears were always intertwined with each other. When I began to face and overcome one fear, I was facing and overcoming both. My favorite poem is below and it means more now than ever.
There is unimaginable power and strength that comes from facing and defeating a fear that for years made you feel hopeless, defeated, and worthless. If you have a fear that you feel encompasses your being, you can overcome it, but I think you have to believe you can! When I began to believe in myself, love myself, I then began to free myself, the limits my fears created for me began to disappear and that was when I could finally face them. I am still not perfect, I still have fears, and sometimes in some situations they try to get the best of me, they wanted to this week and that was when I finally realized this change, when I saw this quote...
For weeks I felt like I was flying full speed ahead, the last couple weeks I was running, and this week a walk headed towards a crawl. But I NEVER STOPPED MOVING. I never let my fear confine me or paralyze me, it may have slowed me down a little but it never got the best of me.
When life starts weighing you down, when negativity and fear start to sink in, never stop believing in yourself, never give up. If all you can do is crawl that is okay but just keep moving. Your wings will begin to carry you forwards and upwards when they are able but sometimes they need a break just like we do. The key is to never stop moving, do not remain idle, do not accept failure or defeat. Remain with courage, love and hope!
I hope you all have a fabulous Easter Weekend!
