"If I told you my story,
You would hear HOPE that wouldn't let go,
And if I told you my story,
You would hear LOVE that never gave up.
And if I told you my story,
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine."
I was born to two amazing parents, both of different faiths, one Catholic and one a Latter-Day Saint. If I told you growing up in that household was easy, I would be lying but honestly what family doesn't have trials. While I have some difficult memories, I also have some wonderful ones. One thing I have come to know as I have grown older, is that while both parents have found their relationship with their Savior through different faiths, they are true examples to me of the type of person I would like to be. I want to share my story of struggle and heartache because it is the way I have come to acknowledge and love my Savior with my full heart.
My childhood troubles would be nothing compared to my trouble outside my parents home. In my family like many others there is a history of addiction and mental disorders, and I was no exception to this. I do not speak about my struggles very openly but I feel like it is about time. I was a great kid, honor roll, athlete, and focused. I had no idea the dark and deep rock bottom that was ahead for me. I made horrible choices, I would fall and pick myself up and try again, till I couldn't anymore. Towards the end of my first year in college, I was lost and had never felt such hopelessness to the point of seriously thinking of walking in front of a car. After that year, I moved back home, and seeked help from my mother. I can never put into words the love and hope that returned to my heart after letting her into the darkness I was in. A dark, sad moment of truth, on the floor of her bathroom in May of 2009, was the first time I could feel and imagine the love my Savior has for me because of the understanding and love my mom showed for me in that moment. Did it probably almost kill her to know my failures shortly after leaving her house? Was she disappointed? I am sure. But even through all of that she wrapped her arms around me and never let go. Light entered that room as well as my heart and mind for the first time in a long time. It was a journey getting back to a healthy place but I did it.
"If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of him."
If you thought my struggles ended there you are mistaken. I would do well for 6-8 months before retreating to horrible habits and dark places. The next big one was when I was half way through my last year of college. I suffered with sickness that sent me into deep depression hiding in the basement of the house more days then getting out and attending class. This time it wasn't just darkness, I completely lost who I thought I was. If you asked me to tell you one good thing about myself, good luck, I was in a mindset that I was a waste of space. Smiles and laughing were extinct. I decided once again to leave school early and return home, which ended up in a recovery time that lasted almost 2 years. This time I was blessed to find an AMAZING counselor, who saw me once a week or every other week for months!! After a few meetings, I was driving home one day and I started making a mental list of all of the things that I loved about myself. It started with that I love my eclectic taste in music (I know that is an odd thing to start with, but once I started it kept growing). I started to remember what happiness was, smiling and laughter, I would begin again to dance like a crazy white girl to music with the windows down, feeling like there is nothing better.
"If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave."
Almost 2 years later, I went back to school, graduated, received a teaching job shortly after and moved to a brand new state. Through all of this I felt my Savior once again, with His arms wrapped around me. Proud as can be at my graduation and pointing a flashing green arrow in the air at this job I was reluctant to apply for almost a month. Once I started listening to His direction, it was like everything started to fall perfectly into place. So when I heard this song come on and when it gets to "If I told you my story, you would hear Life but it wasn't mine... To tell you my story is to tell of Him." Every dark hole I have come out of, every mountain climbed, every success has been because of Him. There is no time in life that I could have overcome without the grace and mercy of my Savior. He gave me hope, love and life. I will always be indebted to Him and that is why I feel this strong need to share my story with you!
Will I struggle again? I am pretty sure there is a 100% guarentee of that it just will be a different struggle. But that is OKAY!! Because the Love of Our Savior isn't for the perfect but for the broken, for the struggling. It is for the addicts, the depressed, the lost, the hopeless, the anxious. The Atonement was not for the purpose of beating ourselves up every time we fall, but to give hope to the hopeless, love to those that feel empty, direction to the lost, life when we are 6 feet under, and freedom to us when we are chained by sin. He is never the one that leaves, we are the ones that leave Him. May we always know that no matter how flawed you feel your life is, the Savior by your side will make you flawless. Never give up, because the Lord is on your side.
Someday I hope we all can share our stories, not to judge but to love, support and encourage one another through this roller coaster of life!
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